Seven Storylines for Star Wars Episode 7 (Or “You’re welcome Disney”.)

Certainly by now, you’ve all heard the big news about Star Wars and Lucasfilm. If you haven’t, here’s the rundown: Disney purchased Lucasfilm from George Lucas for $4 Billion.

$4 Billion. I don’t even know what the hell I would do with that amount of money. It’s crazy. But now Disney has the license for Star Wars and Indiana Jones and the world is awash with ideas, emotions and fanboy rage. At the same time oasthis announcement, it was revealed work on Star Wars Episode 7 has begun, to be released in 2015. My reaction was one of just pure confusion. “WAT. What will the story be? How on Earth can they do this? Do they not get what Star Wars is?”. Big questions and ones that many people have asked. What about the story though? Will it be set JUST after Episode 6 or years in the future? Who will star and will the original people be back for more? Well, while we speculate some more, here’s some ideas that Disney can use, from me, all they gotta do is send me a big fat cheque.

“If this fucks up, I’m blaming you”

Star Wars Episode 7: Remembrance – After the defeat of the Empire by the Rebels in Episode 6, Han and Leia settle down and have a bunch of kids. Luke comes over every now and again, and regales the kids with tales of his and their fathers’ adventures. When they talk about who shot first, Han or Greedo, their memories get foggy and they can’t remember. Before the end credits roll, an answer is given. This will change every few years when George Lucas decides that he really knows who did it.

Star Wars Episode 7: Avenge – Luke Skywalker moves to Dagobah, to help hone his Jedi skills and become just as great as Yoda was. He takes in disciples and helps them train to use their midichlorian filled bodies for good. This is all just a lead up to the post credits scene, where after traversing the universes for a skilled warrior, Nick Fury shows up, ready to offer Luke a place in the Avengers.

Star Wars Episode 7:   Princess “No Boyz allowed!” – Now that technically Princess Leia is a Disney Princess, Star Wars Ep 7 becomes an animated adventure, where Leia and the rest of the Disney princesses have a slumber party. They gossip about boys, put make up on and have a fun time and teach girls about being yourself.

“I’m so glad I was TAKEN away by an A-TEAM of THE GREY! Wait…that last part doesn’t work…”

Star Wars Episode 7: ReVengeance – After dying at the end of Episode 6,  Darth Vader is found by a rogue with a hatred of  the Rebel Alliance. This rogue rebuilds and reanimates Vader, even stronger than before to help take down the Rebels. Along the way, Vader realises who he is and learns to love and have compassion, he puts down the lightsaber to lead a rich and fulfilling life being grandfather to Han and Leia’s children.

Star Wars Episdoe 7: Chewie’s Big Day Out-  Chewie, feeling he needs to explore the world, goes out on a big adventure, visiting Kashyyk, Cloud City and more in a search for not only adventure, but a journey to find himself. Chewie would be voiced by Shaquille O’Neil.

Star Wars Episode 7: Lando Calrissian: One Bad Mother Fucker – Just make a movie with Lando kicking ass and taking names. 

Star Wars Episode 7: California Dreaming – The movie is devoid of any redeeming features, plot lines or anything that makes Star Wars “Star Wars”. Endless tie ins, crappy toys, strange tie ins to Disney characters, with Mickey Mouse voicing the ewoks, Donald Duck being the Stormtroopers and Goofy voicing a returning Jar Jar Binks. The movie ends with a 5 minute video of George Lucas dancing in his underwear in his money pit, covered in honey and LMFAO’s ‘Sexy and I Know It’ playing. George ends the video by laughing directly into the camera.

“So long losers!”

So there you have it. Disney, I expect payment soon. Everyone else, you’re welcome.

2 comments

  1. The Lando film sounds cool but I want to see the “Star Wars” crossover into other Disney products, like “Dancing with the Stars” on ABC.

  2. What’s with the serious one?

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